I cannot believe it has been three weeks since we've started student teaching. Time has flown certainly; it's been a mixed bag in terms of my expereinces. I'll expand on a few themes below:
Scheduling: Unlike most of my peers who are teaching 1 or 2 sections then go to PDs for the rest of their day, I am constantly on the move. The hours when I am not in class, I am sitting with Mr. Froner and the other ST in Froner's office at Hunter talking about students, assignments, goals, and reflecting. I devote the bulk of my time meeting with eleven study groups twice a week. I'll talk more about study groups below. I'm so busy planning activities and grading 200 assignments weekly that it is really hard for me to find time to take lunch breaks. I tend to eat my lunch during conferences with Mr. Froner or in class while I'm working on managing the Power Point slides. I think this lack of "me time" during the day is starting to get to me. I want to prove myself competant and capable, I want to prove that just because I have not taught full-time before, I can hold my own. If I need to eat lunch at 11 AM just so I can chill for 45 min-1 hr each day then so be it. If I don't schedule lunch, once I start teaching, I might take out my frustration (and hunger) on my students, which would not be fair at all.
Study Groups: Building rapport with students, according to Mr. Froner, is crucial to establishing a productive and postive learning environment. The study group system is the most direct way us ST's are working to build relationships with students. It is so freakin' hard; whoever said that building relationships with students was simple must be high on something illegal . . . Every day I struggle to form connections and bonds with my students. From the get-go I was not getting anywhere, they stared at me and asked me, "Why are you here? Don't bother us, Ms. The old Student Teacher hardly ever visited us so why are you asking us annoying questions about classes and notes?" I've never managed study groups before, AVID was not sufficient practice for this mainly because AVID is a formal class period. Students are still in "class mode" and they know they have expectations that have already been established by the class's AVID instructor.
Study groups at MHSHS is a totally different animal. These groups aren't formal classes; there is no moniter who makes sure they're doing their assignments and not goofing off other than my daily 15 min. "check in." Study groups have from 2 to 5 members who are in the same sections of high school and college courses. I have been given authority to manage my 11 groups with little supervision from Froner. Study groups meet 2 days a week, 1 hour each day in the Hunter College library. Attendence is not taken and it falls in my hands to ensure that group members are coordinated and know where to meet. There have been times when the groups have been rebelous and decided to change their meeting times at the last minute without telling me.
I give my groups a weekly assignment to synthesize notes they've taken in their classes for that week. Each group is required to hand in an outline/synthesis of their groups' notes every Monday to me. From the get-go, there has been some resistance. One student told me that my assignment was "wack" and he and his group weren't going to do it. I stood my ground and they accomplished the task. It's stressful running around the library, finding groups who don't always show up or are tardy. Mr,. Froner tells me that the management of the 11 study groups is my personal contribution to the early college program; it is my job to ensure they pass their classes and develop self-directed study habits. The study groups are a key in prepping the students for college. The pressure is on me.
But this week I've noted that I've established some progress in some of my groups. It's been a struggle but I'm delighted that I've accomplished this much. I have a lot of ground to cover; if I do not establish more rapport I will fail at delivering a lesson. The fear is in me.
Reflection: I have learned to both love and loathe reflection with my CT and the other ST. It's great talking about things that have "gone right" in study groups, grading, and class. Those sessions really bulster my confidence. My CT is a wonderful coach; I'm really blessed that I've been given such a supportive mentor to aid me in this journey.
But there have been times when reflections have caused me to think about awkard situations with students that I've tried to forget. I am a very rigorous grader compared to my CT and the other ST. We had a long conferance about alligning our rubrics after the first economics assignments were graded and entered into Mr. Froner's online grade book. I was worried there would be negative fallout from the students but I knew that my CT would have my back.
There was fallout indeed. Many students came up to me and demanded to know "why did I receive half-credit on a question when my resonse came directly from the text?" If I had a dime for every time I heard that statement . . . Then I had students who were less civil. One student told me that I personally destroyed his GPA because I "gave him" a 70 on his assignment. I heard a lot of them grumbling, "Her rubrics are wack . . . this is bull shit . . . what the f-"
I was civil and patient, in the end some students were able to earn points back. I didn't think about the hateful glares and comments, until Thursday afternoon. We just gave back Section 002 their assignments back and one of the most troublesome students in the class came up to me to protest. In defense to myself, she received a 92-- compared to most of her classmates, she did really well. I was puzzled then why I was feeling all this hatred being directed to me from her. She was testy, angry and was unwilling to compromise. In her opinion, she deserved full credit on each response, earning 3/4 on a question was not good enough for her. She was looking to pick a fight with me, she wanted me to get angry and yell. But I remained poised and calm even though she was clearly invading my personal space. Why was she attacking me?
My CT had to step in, diffuse the negative energy and promised the hostile student that she should address all issues to him and not attack the ST's. I thought I was ok, my cashier job has taught me about dealing with angry people looking for a fight. You deal with it, and then you don't think about it anymore. But then Mr. Froner wanted to talk about that incident during "reflecton time." It was like reopening a sore that had started to form a scab. I felt anger towards the students who had cursed at me under their breathes, the girl who got in my face, the student who called my assessment "wack." I didn't want to re-explore those incidents again, because they hurt too much. I was forced to realize that I was hurting and that my poker face would not shield me from dealing with pain and awkard situations with my students. Addressing my emotions and talking about them is really the only way I can move along, grow personally and psychologically from this student teaching journey. I cannot ball it all up and pretend that everything's dandy.
In retrospect, I'm feeling better. I'm grateful for this blog and an opportunity to have an outlet. I'm also grateful for a week off and an opportunity to relax :)
